Ramblings

(Ok, for the benefit of my Ole Miss-loving family members, enjoy your day ... Mississippi State was lovely enough to lose 45-0 on national television last night, and Kelly, I KNOW you and Michael were singing the Ole Miss fight song to Spencer ... wicked, wicked people.)

Now, I haven't really written anything since the end of this last IVF cycle, but today I think maybe I should. First off, it's taken me awhile to acknowledge that the whole IVF process is hard; I know that sounds strange, but I am not a fan of being seen as weak or vulnerable, so somehow I wouldn't let myself see IVF for what is truly is: hell. Now it's a hell that we willingly went to, but I just couldn't let myself see it that way for a long time.

This last week or so has been absolutely horrible, and I've liked to think maybe I would just crawl under our bed and stay there. Only two problems: lots of people wouldn't let me, and we have a beautiful daughter who needs me. Otherwise, it has been really, really hard to let go of this cycle, accept the fact that it didn't work, and move on to the next one. It has also been extraordinarily difficult not to lay blame on myself for the fact that it didn't work because endometriosis (the love of my life) was most likely largely to blame. Still, having a severe case of endometriosis is not anything I have control over. It's been really, really hard to admit that ... I like to have some kind of control. Again, only one problem: God's in charge, especially of IVF.

I've said this before, but when things are hard you really find out who your friends are, and we have. We are so blessed to have the family that we do, and for those of you who know that family you understand. Amazing doesn't even begin to describe them. Their support is unending and always has been. As for my friends, I don't even know what to say. I'll just leave it that their support is also unending.

When we moved here from Gulfport, I did NOT like the idea of having to change to a new fertility clinic, but going back to Mobile wasn't an option. We live ... well, since I'm not quite sure about all the geography stuff, we'll just say we live way too far away. So I started going to the clinic here and lo and behold if I haven't met some of the most wonderful people there. They're incredibly compassionate and caring and, maybe most important to me, fun. I'll be having my blood drawn for the millionth time and still smiling because I'm talking to the phlebotomist about how bad Matthew McConaughy has got to smell even though he's beautiful. And then there's my nurse ... as I've written before, she has become a wonderful friend and is perfect at her job. She certainly knows how to put me in my place ( I need it sometimes) but she's also always there when I need her.

Last but not least, I can't leave out Anthony. Most of y'all know him so you know how incredible he is, but let me assure you that he really steps it up when we're going through IVF. I have no idea how he puts up with me, but he does and always has. Somehow we still laugh and have fun, and I will love him forever.

And as for our precious Annie, well, she's just a miracle. She's got this zest for life and is almost always smiling and laughing. We adore her beyond words, laugh at her constantly, and remember why we did IVF in the first place. She is God's gift to us ...

Now for the future: we will be doing another cycle of IVF as soon as I start my period (sorry, guys, but there is no modesty here.) So now we wait ...

Our Annie

Moving On

ok, so obviously the lack of blogging most likely signified to all of you that we do not have good news this time ... I am not pregnant, but we are meeting with our doctor on Tuesday to go over everything and discuss our options, one of which I am assuming is to do another round of IVF if we so choose ... we'll see ... in the meantime, I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been a tough few days, but once again our family and friends have completely been there for us, as have all of you ... I suppose this is just a bump in the road that so many have hurdled before us; we were just spoiled because things happened so easily with our beautiful Annie ... and not to worry, we have NOT forgotten what a blessing she is ...
I'm not quite sure what our next step will be, but we have great faith that we'll figure it out when the time comes ... in the meantime, despite the fact that I feel more than a little lost, life goes on ...

A Small Army

just wanted to thank you for the calls, etc. expressing your thoughts and prayers ... it's a bit overwhelming to think there are that many people out there who are praying for you, but it's indescribably powerful ... thank you, too, to the people yesterday who somehow knew just what to say and do (Kelly, especially) and just took care of things ... we are blessed beyond words to have the family and friends that we do ... our parents have done anything and everything to help us, and I don't mean just right now ... you need a small army behind you to get through IVF, and I'm so grateful we have one ...
Lauren, one of the very few people who can get away with telling me what to do, thanks for making me laugh last night when I so desperately needed to ...
now, just for the sake of clarity, please understand that we are NOT giving up on this cycle until somebody tells us to ... I go back for more bloodwork tomorrow morning, and I'll let y'all know something when I do ...

Never Give Up

definitely no easy way to put it, but this extraordinarily long day has not yielded the best news ... although my pregnancy test was positive, the numbers were extremely low ... have to go back for more bloodwork on Friday and hope for the best ... definitely not giving up yet ...

Crazier Than Usual

feel time has officially come to a screeching halt ... am going crazy ... spent all of yesterday out and about with Annie ... list of stops of course included Target, where I had the hideous feeling as we headed out that I had absolutely no idea where we parked ... just decided to walk purposefully around parking lot so as to appear certain of destination and, miracle of miracles, saw self's car ... headed toward it only to see a woman and her child get out of it ... not even color of self's car ... still, persevered until found car ... was only a million and two degrees outside so no big deal ...
pregnancy test in the morning and results within a few hours so check here ...

Killing Time

Distracting Oneself While Waiting for Wednesday, the day of the pregnancy test:

1. Attempt to teach Annie to color beautiful pictures at perhaps absurdly young age ... wonder why she is eating crayons and laughing ... call best friend to discuss ...

2. Have husband rent all manner of scary movies, including "Snakes On A Plane." Enough said.

3. Play with Annie. Repeat many times. Change Annie's poopie diaper. Repeat forever. Teach her (again) why eating dog food is not good idea. Unfortunately, repeat.

4. Wonder where all the hurricanes are going ...

5. Consider buying out pregnancy test section of drugstore, even though incredibly tolerant IVF nurse has suggested would only yield inaccurate results at this point ... Decide to (shock) just save money and wait for Wednesday ...

6. Discover where Moe is and wonder how Doodlebops record entire song in 23 minutes of TV ... for that matter, wonder what Doodlebops are ...

7. Have cousin come into town for the birth of her niece and stop by house so her (and her husband's) precious baby, James, can "play" with Annie ... take pictures (see below)...

The Transfer

and so post-transfer life drags along ... the transfer itself went really well, and we ended up having two embryos to "put back." the pregnancy test is Wednesday the 22nd, which feels like a year away ... am trying to occupy myself ( as if I need much help with Annie running around -- and yes, she is most definitely walking now) ... had a dream last night that an ultrasound tech was in our bedroom, but I just sat up and looked at her until she faded away because somewhere in my mind I knew it wasn't real ... think IVF has taken over my mind?

The Retrieval

of course there's no easy way to deliver not-so-good news but here goes ... we had the egg retrieval yesterday, where they retrieved 11 eggs, 7 of which were mature ... that's the good part ... the not-so-good stuff came today, when we found out only 1 of the eggs had fertilized ... this was very much a shock not only to us but also to the fertility clinic ... assuming the embryo continues to divide, we go back in for transfer Saturday morning ... nobody has given up on this cycle because it is far from over, and let's face it: it only takes one embryo to make a baby ...

Light at the End of the Tunnel

follicles still growing ... went back in for monitoring on Friday and will go in tomorrow morning ... after 50-something injections since this whole party started, it goes without saying that the shots are getting old ... I had just forgotten how horrible a person feels toward the very end of IVF ... with ovaries the size of mini-Coopers, bruises from all the shots and constant nausea (side effect of some medicine), that light at the end of tunnel is a welcome sight ...
on the positive side, I've gotten to be really good friends with my IVF nurse, who is absolutely amazing at her job and a welcome sight every single time I go in for ultrasounds, etc (if I don't get lost on the way to the clinic!)

Baby Follicles

all went well yesterday ... I have several "baby follicles" on both ovaries, so (joy)that means an increase of meds so the follicles can increase in size ... really good news: NO cysts ... just a sort of switching around on the meds; I'll now be doing Gonal-F in the morning and at night (that's the increase) along with Menopur and Lupron in the morning ... life goes on ...